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youremyheaven · 6 months ago

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What you said about punarvasu men is literally my dad💀

He’s a punarvasu moon (I thought he was an ardra moon bc he lacks self discipline with alcohol/spending/food but I think Jupiter suits him more), with revati venus sun and mercury conjunction all within one degree.

As for his ascendant, it can only be from purvaphalguni to anuradha. My main theories are actually those two naks themselves or just leo/scorpio rashi in general because I think he might have pp mars 1H or Jyestha ketu 1H. Also I think he might be UP asc.

He also is very similar in many ways to my brother, who is dhanishta moon, hasta sun, magha asc (my brother is an actual menace but based off his placements I doubt I need to elaborate much further as to why). Anyway lmk what you think👀

But yeah here are some things about my punarvasu dad:

-He does have himbo vibes sometimes and is quite confident in his femininity. For example, growing up he would wear pink sometimes and do sweet things for me, like give me food at school that he’d bought if he just happened to be in the area

-However do not be fooled guys, he is huge misogynist😬 he regularly makes degrading comments towards women who act a certain way (calling them “bimbos”/”barbie”), and whenever someone is driving badly on the road he automatically assumes they’re a woman.

-Literally so rude and disrespectful to everyone except his mother (passed for unknown reasons years ago) and this 90 yr old woman he knows😭 I imagine he’s not rude to his customers at work but that man always has something bad to say! He talks shit about people constantly.

-Has anyone else noticed that punarvasu moons have weird relationships with their mothers? They’re either obsessed or they hate them

- He’s a huge megalomaniac and needs to be in control of us at all times. He needs to have everything a certain way and gets very angry at you if you deviate from it. He often spoils my brother (who is still a child) with the intention of getting him to like him more than my mother. This includes buying him expensive gifts, and when my mother scolds my brother over his bad behaviour, he goes crying to my dad who proceeds to coddle him and act like she’s the bad guy.

My dad has encouraged my brother when he’s been physically abusive or degrading to my mother several times😬

He once told my brother at the airport “I don’t care if you don’t listen to your mother or any of your teachers at school, but you must listen to me. I’m the boss. Ok?” It sounded way more controlling irl but I’m just paraphrasing.

- He’s very into tarot, thelemism and astral projection and gets very preachy about it lol

- He is very disrespectful towards my mothers family (my mother is from an Eastern European 2nd world country) and degrades them for being stupid/unmarried/etc. He has this longstanding beef with my maternal grandma (UBP moon, mula sun, certified girlboss) for being eratic and controlling esp towards my mother growing up (he literally acts the exact same way)

- He is very erratic and gets angry very easily. He’s broken a several things in our house just from his temper tantrums

- Talking about erratic, he is so mean when he’s pissed off you. My brother got in trouble at school when he was ~10 yo once and my dad had a rant at him about how he’s going nowhere in life, he’s going to be a bum, he’s clumsy, etc. He once told me I was tearing the family apart bc I annoyed my brother at the dinner table💀 but we can’t criticise him for this bc it’s “his business”. It’s all just a huge power trip.

-After getting angry at you, he’ll do the whole I’m sorry🥺 act. GIRL GET OUT😂

-Very irresponsible, acts impulsively and expects everyone else to just work around his schedule

- He either has weaponised incompetence or has this one household chore that only he does bc he’s “better” at it than anyone else

Sorry about the trauma dump 🤪 but yeah Jupiter men slander!!! They’re always on this moral high horse until its them

im gonna make a separate post about Jupiter men (lots of slander included, sorry not sorry)

im sorry to hear about your brother's placements 💀🤐

BBG Revati Sun, Punarvasu Moon & either Purvaphalguni or Anuradha Rising??? 😭😭😭HOW DO U AND UR MOM COPEEEE

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences and highkey worried about your brother 😬

Mercurial men are sex addicts and often vvv misogynistic. We've already established how manipulative they can be so I won't repeat that but I wouldn't touch a Mercurial man (unless he was a Jyeshta billionaire 🤪🤭lmfao jk) Jupiter men have always been so unattractive to me, I hate their energy 🤮🤢🤮 even with all the sweet natured kind whatever behaviour, I'm always sus about them. My friend's abusive ex was a Punarvasu Moon and oh lordy lord??? she told him she needed a break from him and he went to her house with their horoscopes matched (kundli Milan tingz for my desis yk what's up) ???? and he asked her strict conservative parents who would never allow her to date, for her hand in marriage??? like that was some power move bc he knew going that route meant robbing her of any choice in the matter. Also fellas, if a girl dumps you NEVER go to her family to propose marriage to her wtf. This guy would often threaten to kill her if she left him as well btw 😬😬

Fortunately for my friend, her parents were like 🤨we need to consult with our family astrologer and their astro guy said that they were a terrible match for each other and that if they got married there is a high chance she would die???? (no shit sherlock) they turned him away but he was still persistent af so they performed some poojas/rituals to get rid of him 😶‍🌫️😌✨💀 and he's been gone since lolziez

Venusian men can be sexually predatory but they usually have low self esteem and based on what you said about his misogyny and thinking of himself as above others (also a result of Jupiter influence) I feel like he's more Saturnian? 🧐 (Anuradha over Purvaphalguni Rising that is)

There is another Vishaka Moon man ik who has very effeminate mannerisms. He's not "in touch with his feminine side" or whatever, he's just a regular Indian man (derogatory) but his body language and mannerisms be giving twink vibes (he's 6'1 atleast with a bulky build and the contrast between the two is amazing to watch) I'm not queershaming or being homophobic 😭😭😭 but many Indian men can be vvv feminine ish and it lowkey creeps me out 😐 sorry but they'll simultaneously hate women, not be woke or liberal in the slightest and act like every straight asshole but with a fruity ✨twist 💀

#Jupiter #Jupiter men

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dekusleftsock · 2 years ago

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Recently I had someone piss me off about this very topic, so to get it out of my head it’s going here. Hi, welcome to the not well put together metas. Use this evidence how you please, but don’t harass anyone. Arguments are not owed to anyone. You can simply walk away if you don’t want to have it. And put your time into better things! Like this! A creative output! Go on, do ittt!!!! Make the negatives into something positive.

Tw for mentions of suicide.

In one of the very first scenes of this show, we see our wonderful, amazing, insecure, and downright unbearable to some degree, Bakugou Katsuki. He’s arrogant and most people think that this first action he ever does is irredeemable. Because telling someone to take a swan dive off of a roof so that he doesn’t try to get into UA (bc Katsuki knows that Izuku would find a way) is a really fucking shitty action and irredeemable.

This belief is true to a degree. But let’s establish a few points that are given to us. 1, this is out of character for Katsuki. The bullying no, but the extent of his bullying, yes. As pointed out here.

(Sorry for bad quality I wanted to get the official translation so I used my irl copy)

“You went too far today” aka “you went too far compared to what is the norm”. It’s not what he would usually do.

2, lip service. As stated on the can when he says this, it’s a tongue and cheek to Katsuki’s true beliefs. He doesn’t actually want Izuku to kill himself, nor does he believe it is Izuku’s fault. He is well aware of the severity of his actions the moment he makes them. The point of this scene is not to excuse his actions but to explain why he did them.

3, insecurity. The why of this scene. It’s a facade. Not what he truly believes.

But that’s the great part about his development; there is no justification. He just did it and it was bad. That’s honestly why I hate a lot of bullies in media. It’s always that they had a bad family life, or they were forced to, or they were protecting the mc. It’s never that they were a shitty fucking kid who was insecure. Now THATS the most realistic explanation. Part of the reason for why this is so common in media is because of how hard it is to do correctly. Mha does it in a phenomenal way. Katsuki never changes his personality, even when he gets his character development. He’s mellowed out a bit sure, but he’s still him. Katsuki. Bakugou Katsuki. The kid who yells at people when they tease him, the kid that still says “DIE” in every situation in heroics. He even made sure he kept most of his hero name. He didn’t just make it “dynamite”, he made it “lord explosion murder god dynamite”. He’s still himself.

The excuse will never appear. This is actually what a lot of bakugou/bkdk stans get wrong: there will never be an explanation passed what was given. Because it’s not needed to tell the narrative. No matter how many fanfics you write about it, or how many hc’s you add to it. In canon it will always remain this. Bakugou Katsuki did a shitty act, understood what he did was wrong, got passed their mis communications, did everything in his power to make up for it, and apologized for his actions. Standing side by side with Izuku. Your most important actions will always be what you do in the present over what you did in the past.

And my last point, which is just me putting this into perspective, but… you think that toga is more redeemable than him? What? Or Zuko? Hell, even fucking uncle Iroh. Name me a character that YOU think deserved their redemption arc. Was killing people or attempting to kill people better morally than telling someone to kill themself? You seriously BELIEVE THAT???

Face it. The reason why he is so hated for this scene is because of projection. Projecting him as a villain in dekus story. Someone for him to surpass and leave in the dirt. I fully understand WHY it’s so common, but if you’re gonna pick a fight, at least fucking get past the projection bit. He’s relatable, I get that. Fully understand that. Doesn’t make picking fights with people who disagree with you out of nowhere and unprompted any less bad.

(Also sorry for not posting for days, I’m back and there’s more stuff coming soon but for now, this is what you get lol. It’s my page and I can do what I want sibdodnd)

#before anyone comes to conclusions #this was something irl. I’m not just making a hate post out of nowhere bc someone pissed me off. people don’t affect me that much lmao #this still has tinges of my bitterness bc I keep being baited into arguments so I’m sorry to anyone bothered by that lol #that kinda makes this partly a vent then huh? well sorry peoples #excuse me for being kinda angry. I’m getting it out in a healthy manner!#midoriya izuku #mha deku #bkdk #bkdk brainrot #bakudeku #bakugou katsuki #bnha deku #mha analysis #deku midoriya #mha bakugou #mha katsuki #mha #bnha

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years ago

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sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking�� or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #motivate me to deactivate this blog to leave the hellsite forever 2021 #trigger warning: suicide mention #tw: suicide mention

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many-gay-magpies · 3 years ago

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@honeyseungz @loabivey so that uh. that mini au that you had like a very small rb thread about yesterday (well over a few days ago now that im posting this). well uh. um . actually you know what im just gonna let you read it yourselves

so. heeseung, jay, and sunoo are all brothers. wether its actual brothers or just "brothers" by blood bond or whatever idk. but, regardless, they're brothers. im thinking that like, at first they aren't vampires, theyre just regular dudes yknow? (and just a forewarning, a lot of this isnt gonna be as compliant with the enhaverse theorizing we've done so far, it's just a little brain worm i wanted to play around with, throwing a little bit of enhaverse crumbs in here and there)

but anyway. they're not vampires, im thinking theyre just like... adopted/found family brothers, probably orphans or something. regardless they love each other a lot and its great. personality-wise everything is super different, but just for plot conveniences, heeseung, jay, and sunoo are the yunmeng trio (heeseung as wwx, jay as jc, and sunoo as jyl respectively), and jungwon is lwj.

the three brothers meet jungwon, probably brought together by this Big Fantasy Evil, maybe something involving the vampire queen as a character? idk. there's some big evil shit going down, and the three brothers somehow end up with jungwon and HIS big bro, who im imagining is jake (basically the lan xichen in this situation—very soft, kind, gentle; the vibes are right). both of them are vampires, not that our three orphan bois know that. they get caught up in the danger, and vampire bros jake and jungwon coms to the rescue.

now, a little bit of personality-mapping here: jay is outwardly very loud, fun, temperamental, and sarcastic, generally very much like he is irl; but inside, he's intensely loyal, protective, and loving, with a HUGE soft spot for the people closest to him. sunoo is very sweet, sensitive, and kind—the walking hug of the three brothers, who is certainly not without his bite and wont hesitate to talk back to anyone who hurts them. aggressively and without mercy. also he makes them soup for comfort and is generally best boy. heeseung is very goofy, playful, free-spirited, and bright, but insecure and sensitive underneath it all; generally a loud annoying mess of a boy. pure chaotic neutral and a gremlin if there ever was one. jungwon, on the other hand, is... not. he's nervous, quiet, cautious to a fault and intensely righteous, always standing up for what's right and refusing to waver from his chosen path. very lawful good vibes. he, naturally, is more than a little put off when jay, sunoo, and heeseung's chaotic ass come crashing into he and his brother jake's once-peaceful (ish) lives. and it doesn't help that heeseung is a... huge flirt, and apparently deadset on making jungwon his friend. fuck.

jungwon... doesn't know what to do. and it would all be so much easier if heeseung were dumb or stupid or unattractive or just a total asshole—but he isnt any of those things. he's beautiful, smart, insanely witty with a brain faster than any jungwon's ever seen—he can't help but admire him. but on top of that, he's wreckless as hell, unpredictable, and pushy, and gives jungwon heart attacks way too much for his liking. he doesn't even have a heartbeat. he's fucking dead.

it eventually comes out that jake and jungwon are vampires; the brothers are surprisingly cool with it. not the craziest thing that's happened to them.

the five boys get closer, staying together as they fight their foe (which im becoming increasingly inclined to make the werewolves), and through a series of convoluted events, jungwon learns that heeseung is not only gorgeous, smart, talented, and funny as all get-out, but also sensitive, caring, insecure, and thoughtful... and heeseung, who's only goal had been to break through the nervous and straightforward outer shell of his young dongsaeng, does just that. and jungwon, naturally, starts to fall in love.

somewhere along the line, though, things go wrong—as they were bound to do in an au loosely based off of the untamed. something happens to heeseung; he's fatally wounded after saving jay's life, and disappears, nowhere to be found. his brothers eventually assume the worse; that he's gone forever. but the queen finds him, takes care of him, nurses him back to health. turns him.

when he comes back, nothing's the same. the war is still going, and his brothers thought he was dead—but he isn't. but he's... different. jungwon and jake are quick to realize that he's been turned, how, they dont know—but they talk to him, teach him, try to help him, jungwon especially. of course he does; he's in love. heeseung, of course, is dismissive; doesn't take it seriously. ill be fine, whats so bad about this? or, perhaps, he doesn't let on just how hard he's taking it; fearing vulnerability more than he fears being a vampire.

inevitably, though, heeseung's wrecklessness leads to doom—he lets his bloodlust overtake him, relishes in it, no matter how much jungwon had warned him against it, pleaded with him to take caution. he says it's usefull—says he can help them take out enemies, help them win this war. jungwon warns him that he could end up getting more than he bargained for. heeseung doesn't listen.

heeseung helps them win the war; practically wins it for them. hes happy, bitterly, until he isnt. he's happy, until he sees his brother—sees sunoo. blood-covered, pale-skinned, drained.

no.

heeseung is broken. jay even moreso. jay yells at him; yells and yells and yells and yells. curses him out, tells him he hates him, tells him he's nothing but cruel evil—he doesn't mean it, of course, but no one knows it then, not even him. now he is only angry; so, so angry. heeseung, wrought with guilt and shame and grief, flees—hides himself somewhere secluded, does the closest thing a vampire can possibly do to death, the equivalent of a thousand-year hibernation. none can find him, he's made sure of that. in his guilt and shame and anger he stews, asleep, for hundreds, thousands of years.

after the anger passes, jay is more than anything in mourning—for heeseung as well as for sunoo. he has a realization, that being that, when, inevitably, heeseung comes back, he doesn't want him to be alone: even if he'll have jungwon and jake, it won't be the same as having his brother. so jay pleads, cries, begs for jungwon to turn him—so that they can search for heeseung together, so that when heeseung comes back, he'll have jay waiting for him, too. so, reluctantly, jungwon gives in and turns jay—after which he helps him deal with his newfound immortality and vampiric status—helping him handle his bloodlust and helping him learn how to feed. over the centuries that heeseung is gone, jay, jungwon, and jake grow even closer (j line eyyy), inseparable as they search for heeseung and even outside of that. jungwon and jay are the closest, jay growing a colossal soft spot for the boy and not hesitating to take him under his wing and protect him with all he has (initially, sort of as a replacement for protecting heeseung, but eventually jay's affection for jungwon grows into something all it's own). to be clear, no love triangle bullshit here, only sickening-sweet platonic soulmates jaywon and a jungwon that is still achingly in love with heeseung.

(okay for anyone thats actually watched cql/read mdzs, yes i KNOW lwj and jc did not get along at all and kind of hated each other but. this is my au i do what i want, and if i want to add soft jaywon into the mix then im fucking going to, goddamnit)

OKAY TIME FOR SOME WACKY SIDE-PLOT MADNESS

so. sunghoon. how does he fit into all this? how does he end up being the one to trigger heeseung's "resurrection"? how does heeseung GET resurrected in the first place? well, not to worry, you're about to find out! and i am too because i'm just figuring this out as i go along baybyyyy

sunghoon, im thinking, is a friend of jake's (lets throw some jakehoon in here too bcs why not), either from before everything went to shit and heeseung went and isolated himself, or sometime during the numerous centuries jakewon spent looking for heeseung with jay. either way, sunghoon is this boy who jake is friends with and cares about a lot, and is also maybe kind of in love with. while jaywon spend most of their time looking for heeseung, jake spends his with sunghoon—finding himself often alone, now that his little bother is going off on his own adventures.

in a situation quite similar to heeseung's, sunghoon probably gets fatally injured somehow and is near death, but jake, not wanting him to die, decides to turn him instead. niki is also involved, and it's a sort of package deal, because before meeting jakewon, heeseung, and everyone, they were their own little thing; not unlike jay, heeseung, and sunoo's brother's triad. they were both probably orphans, niki being the much younger one, and as such sunghoon took him under his wing and never looked back. when jake turned sunghoon, niki was basically like "m8 what the fuck" and demanded he be turned too, not wanting his sunghoon-hyung to live on forever while he grew old and died. jake, also having a soft spot for niki, was like "fine alright" and turned him too. so, now their little vampire coven numbered five, and all was (moderately) well.

or not.

the thing was, jake hadn't anticipated how powerful sunghoon would be—there's nothing in life that anyone's found yet that would indicate a person's level of power once turned, so jake had... pretty much no way to see this coming. but, anyway, sunghoon was... really, really powerful. like, insanely powerful. all the abilities vampires were said to have in legends, the likes of which were previously reserved for just legends, he had them; flawless teleportation, mind control, shape-shifting, the whole bit. and on top of that, he was controlled—insanely good at monitoring himself and keeping tabs on his own instincts. one of the most self-sufficient, well-mannered vampires jake had ever seen. it was... frankly insane.

the problem? the queen. this is where she comes in, because she's played a part in all the boys' transformations, albeit indirectly—when jake and jungwon first turned, it was she who turned them. she could sense sunghoon's power, and she wanted it for herself. jake and jungwon had done well at avoiding her, even forgetting about her for a while; but what she wanted, she took, and take she did. it was sunghoon she took: luring him to her in small increments and then all at once, taking control of him, turning him into a mindless puppet. sunghoon had always prided himself in control, and without it, havoc wreaked: bodies dropping left and right, people being killed seemingly at random, their only purpose being to instill fear and paranoia.

now, niki had heard tales, before, from his hyungs but also from regular townspeople to whom the legend had gotten passed down, of heeseung, and how great and terrible he was. heeseung, the townspeoples' folktales said, had been insane, unstoppable: a mad genius far too gone for redemption. niki also knew from his hyungs' fond stories that heeseung, more than evil, was kind and caring; he was loyal, and powerful in his loyalty, and niki thought that if anyone could save his sunghoon-hyung, it was heeseung.

so niki went on a journey. without telling jaywon or anyone else (and thus causing quite the panic), he spent years searching for heeseung, everywhere jaywon had thought to look and everywhere they hadn't, and twice more for good measure. and, by some stroke of luck, either due to his own sheer force of will of something else entirely, niki found him: locked away in an old castle that never quite seemed to stay put, constantly phasing in between realities. it made sense why no one had found him before then—he didn't want to be found. desperately, in fact.

but niki, too, was desperate. he enacted a ritual that was said (by jake, so of course it was to be trusted) to wake any vampire that had gone into hibernation, and, miracles continuing to work for the bitter young boy, it worked. heeseung awoke—startled to find himself staring into the face of a very teary, very angry (visibly) sixteen-year-old.

confusion passed, things and motives were explained, and heeseung (although bitter at having been woken up, and still riddled with enough guilt to last 1500 lifetimes) attempted to patiently tell niki that he had no fucking idea how to help sunghoon whatsoever. niki pretty much said "well you better fucking find a way because you're not going back to sleep now, the world's about to fucking end. also jay and jungwon-hyung have been looking for you for literal centuries, do you know how pissed theyd be if i went out looking for you, found you, then came back empty-handed? really fucking pissed is how much. also sad. did i mention sad?" and heeseung, notoriously weak and also kind of (read: very) in love, is just like "...jungwon? jay?"

so niki brings heeseung back to the others, the return journey taking a long enough time that the two become significantly close to each other, heeseung's long-forgotten big brother instincts (tm) kicking in around the younger vampire. niki has to basically drag heeseung out of the castle by his teeth, because as much as he misses his brother and jungwon, he's still so incredibly guilty, and completely convinced that he isnt worth love or life whatsoever and that jay still hates his guts. and, jungwon... he doesn't even want to think about jungwon. how he failed him. how he let him down. but, niki slowly works through the insecurities, bit by bit: assuring heeseung that, no, even though jay will definitely rip him a new one once he sees him again, he'll also cry and hug him for at least 24 hours because he misses him like hell and heeseungie hyung you have no idea.

they weather a lot together. storms, mental breakdowns, bouts of blood-starvation so severe heeseung thinks he'll lose it again: but they're there for each other. they hunt, talk, keep each other warm, and in it, form an unbreakable bond. niki had heard tales of the legendary lee heeseung, who wiped out entire armies in two seconds flat and comforted his friends when they were sad and annoyed jay to the very ends of the earth: but what he's faced with is a man with more insecurities than niki has hairs on his head—and he has a lot of hairs on his head.

by the time they make it back to the coven's home, heeseung has grown sufficiently attached to the enigma that is niki, and has almost completely but it out of his mind that he's here for his old friends, too. he's only doing this for niki: it's a fact he's comfortable with. so when they reach the front steps he just... freezes.

i have a very clear image of it in my head—jungwon, jay, and jake sense niki's presence, in some weird vampire-y way. it's been around 10, 15 years since he left at this point, so of course they rush out to greet him, ready with scoldings and lashings about how stupid he had been (after, of course, making sure he's unharmed and alright)—but it all dies on their tongues as soon as they see who's with him.

frozen. everything is frozen.

i imagine it's a lot like lulu and artzyy's post. jungwon is the first to move, stepping forward and whimpering out a broken "hyung", and all heeseung's guilt and avoidance is forgotten in favor of cradling jungwon to his chest, holding him close and whispering reassurances into the crown of his head, wonnie, im so sorry, hyung's so sorry; i didn't mean to leave you for so long, i'm here now, its okay. and of course then jay comes in, crying and screaming about how the fuck is it okay, how can it ever be okay, how could you just not mean to leave us alone for 1500 years?! how the fuck do you just expect to waltz back into our lives like nothing ever happened and pretend its all okay?!? and then he hits him, and hurts him, tries to make him feel even an inkling of the hurt he was made to feel for the past fifteen hundred years—but then punching him turns into fisting hands into the back of his shirt and sobbing into his neck and holding him so tight he wouldn't be able to breath if he had the need to and please, please don't leave, why would you leave, you asshole, why did you leave?

so yeah. things happen. reunions are had, tears are shed. some indirect heewon love confessions probably happen later on in the form of very intense devotions of life and self and all that. "walking on the single-log bridge in the dark really isnt so bad" you know the whole shbang. meanwhile jay salty in the background just like "cant you just say you love each other like normal human beings jesus fucking christ"

jayseung's relationship (or the reigniting of it) is, well, rocky. they're both conflicted—jay even more than heeseung. because, the thing is, heeseung killed sunoo. as regretful as he is, that doesn't make it any easier to forget. but he's back, and alive, and in one piece, and he isn't leaving, and jay knows it wasn't really his fault, he wasn't in control—but he killed him. he killed their brother. and it WAS his own stupid fault for losing control in the first place, for not listening to jungwon, so what the hell is jay supposed to think? he flip-flops between being intensely grateful that heeseung is back and okay and finally with them again, and then remembering what he's done, giving him the cold shoulder and not speaking to him for hours on end. and all the while, heeseung is riddled with guilt, and shame, and grief he'd suppressed for far too long; niki's stubbornness combined with jungwon's unwavering support being the only things keeping him from bolting into oblivion all over again. all in all, it's a difficult time—but they get there. eventually.

naturally, they save sunghoon. what else is there to do? they defeat the queen, break her control over their friend—and then jakehoon have their own teary reunion, not unlike heewon's, and sungki have theirs, not unlike jayseung's (although with a... considerable decrease in cursing and conflicted emotions, and a lot more immediate sobbing). they're a mess—sunghoon is traumatized, heeseung is traumatized, jay and niki are traumatized, they're all just fucking traumatized. jayseung will probably take a long time to get back to the way they once were, if it's even possible—there'll always be an empty space there, something gone, something missing, and it's one that can't be filled. jungwon barely lets heeseung out of sight or touch alike, and heeseung isn't much better off. jay's always been the more touchy one out of the three of them; but after years of missing, of longing, there's plenty of time to be made up, and heeseung is just... so, so soft, and warm, and being held by him is the loveliest thing jungwon's ever known.

AND NOW A SUNOO THING, BECAUSE THE IDEA OF ENHA LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER AS OT6 WITH SUNOO JUST FUCKING DEAD DOES. NOT WORK FOR ME

so like. sunoo isn't dead, or he doesn't stay dead, or not the soulless-unmoving kind of dead anyway. you know how necromancy and fierce corpses exist in donghua and shit? well they exist here too because fuck you and also i said so. i made myself sad and now im making it happy again goddamnit.

anyway. after he dies, sunoo gets found by the queen, too, and because she's all-powerful and whatnot she fucking necromances him—figures he'll be useful later. as he is, though, he's basically nothing more than a puppet; like wen ning and song lan were when they were being controlled. his soul isn't... gone exactly, just imprisoned, prevented from being able to come forward and command his body.

so. sunoo is still partially alive, and the boys (jay, jake, jungwon, sunghoon, niki, and whatnot)... don't know that. i imagine that for pretty much the entirety of the centuries that heeseung is gone, sunoo's status as a necromanced fierce corpse goes entirely unknown to them, and it's only after heeseung is brought back by niki that he starts to resurface. i imagine they realize it in a sort of tense, action-filled scenario: the boys have gone to investigate another attack, thinking it's sunghoon, but as it turns out the queen has had TWO undead corpses running around doing her dirty work instead of one. and one of them is sunoo.

heeseung and jay, of course, are stunned. they cant believe it's real; it isn't real, it can't be—and yet.

a lot of angsty plot stuff happens—i dont have the energy or enough shits to give to figure out what. the thing is, the queen only kept sunoo this long and brought him out as a tactic to lure heeseung, make him weaker; and it probably worked. in the midst of both fighting against sunghoon and fighting to SAVE sunghoon, heeseung is bent on saving sunoo as well, and there's probably a lot of very angsty talk wherein there are disagreements about who's life, really, is more important in this situation, and if heeseung is just trying to make up for what he did to sunoo. regardless, heeseung ends up saving sunoo and bringing his soul back to the surface. what he doesn't expect is for sunoo to forgive him—fully and wholeheartedly. and it feels wrong, because no, you should be angry with me, you should hate me and want to hurt me like i hurt you; but sunoo is just... happy. happy that he's back, happy that heeseung is back, happy that they're all together again. and its conflicting, to say the least. even moreso because sunoo isnt stupid—he didnt just act like heeseung was an innocent who did no wrong; he knew he had been wreckless, knew he was at fault, and he forgave him still. loved him still. that was something heeseung... hadn't been prepared for.

like i said in the last part, they save sunghoon; how, im not sure, but they save him, probably with a fair bit of sunoo's help, and they're together again. only the tiny difference here is that sunoo is with them too. sunoo is back, and the gang has yet another undead bestie to teach the ropes of being a vampire to. things are awkward, obviously, especially between the original brother's trio of heeseung, sunoo, and jay; because sunoo is his usual sweet and kind self while jay believes that he should be more angry at heeseung for killing him, heeseung agrees, and jay has some very conflicted feelings about how self-depricating his hyung is being (because like... yeah you killed sunoo and im supposed to hate you but you're not supposed to hate yourself, you idiot, what the fuck?)

(also like. if we're gonna take some more crumbs from cql canon here im gonna go ahead and say sunoo's death was at least somewhat self-sacrificial, even if it was heeseung that ended up causing it in the end)

(i kind of love how jiang cheng-y i made enhaverse jay here to be honest)

(okay this has been in my drafts WAY too long because ive been waiting for some miraculous Other Detail i need to add to pop up in my mind, but honestly i can just add anything else i think of in a reblog afterwards, this bitch just needs to see the light of day)

#magpie thoughts #magpie writes #??? kind of ???#enhaverse #enhaverse theories #ALSO kind of???#enhaverse writing #enhaverse aus #the untamed/cql #the untamed spoilers #idk but just to be safe ig .

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chaoswrites · 4 years ago

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this is depression talking so no one take this personal but i want to say bc it’s been in my thoughts all day and it’s eating at me

i hate that i’m always the one that has to start the conversation. no one comes into my inbox unless i post something controversial, no one starts a convo with me unless i say hi first, no one goes out of their way to makes sure i’m ok unless i explicitly say that i’m having a hard time. and i know that it’s hard to tell if i’m having a bad time or if there’s something going on if i don’t post about but i always try to make sure that i ask my friends and go out of my way to see if they’re ok and sometimes i just feel i’m not important enough for people to pay attention to me or i’m not good enough for them to think i deserve having this treatment. i only have one irl friend bc none of my others decided it wasn’t important enough for them to keep contact with me while we’re not in school besides maybe a once a month text out of nowhere. the amount of anxiety and insecurities that i have it takes me so much time and energy to build up the confidence to start up a conversation and to realize i’m giving more than i’m getting really makes me feel shitty. i go quiet or don’t post for a whole day and no one even bothers to think of me. i’m sorry. this post is selfish. i’m not in a good mood. i’ll delete it later

#rambles #MUTUALS DNI #delete this later #it’s like i know i’m not important but you could at least fake it

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disslve · 4 years ago

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𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐰 & 𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐝𝐲 ! this is nai and my cowboy ass is here to throw roxy @ u and also tell u bad jokes and cry over life is strange 2 because i’m still not over this game and I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. just a heads up, i came up with roxy on a whim because this rp just looked so good, so if it seems like i don’t know what i’m talking about ... it’s most likely the case whoops . ( this is an excuse for me bringing shitty muses ). anyway, my fake cowboy ass loves to ramble so if you’re interested in plotting feel free to LIKE this post or hmu. i forgot to mention that i’m also a fake grandma so idk anything about discord at all and i still need to set it up which will happen in the next few days dsdnsdsdn.

ps: wanted connections/plots can be find in my wanted tag ( a link is on my blog ) and i’ll also list some below !

EDIT: discord name is nai #7158

* [ kristine froseth + cis-female + she/her ] —— have you met roxanne ‘roxy’ bailey ? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying romance languages and literatures. they live on decker house and word around campus is that this scorpio is compassionate + dedicated, as well as impatient + dishonest. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive.

basics.

full name: roxanne elise bailey

nicknames: roxy, rox

sexual orientation: bisexual

birth place: valencia, spain ( but only lived there for five years )

history.

one could say that roxy had lived an easy life, though her parents weren’t distinguished by their social status, it didn’t mean they lacked money which was enough to support their daughter in whatever she wanted to do.

truth to be told, roxy was indeed a little spoiled, the type of kids who would try all kind of things on the expenses of their parents only to quit a new ‘hobby’ again. she could barely stick to anything. she was some twisted kind of golden child, good at many things but never had the patience to continue something for long enough to cultivate it.

skipping over the part where she almost tried everything from arts, music etc. she finally found her passion ( and even roxy herself was surprised ). figure skating. she didn’t know what drew her in, she couldn’t explain it, she tried it and it felt right. roxy always describes the feeling as finding a soulmate if she feels extra dramatic that day.

unsurprisingly, she was good at it. not that kind of good at something she was at all the other things she tried before, but that being good at which stemmed from genuine interest. maybe, that is why she managed to get so far. and it didn’t take too long that people even started to call her a figure skating prodigy.

at this point at her life, she had it all, spinning the stars on her fingertips ( or warning bad pun ahead: spinning on the ice ). until, well, her parents company was in some crisis and they had to cut corners in the meantime. also oh so ‘conveniently’ roxy lived at the arse end of nowhere and getting to her practices was now even more difficult because as mentioned before they had to save their money for more necessary things. of course, there were more things , small and big, which totally threw her off ( which i am too lazy to list rn).

roxy tried to work part time, but a) the money wasn’t enough b) she didn’t want to cut more hours of training she managed to get. AND well, here comes the turning point and roxy thinking she was oh-so-smart without realizing that it would cost her career. oh-so-smart roxy came up with the idea to , well, just steal some stuff. after all, she trained with many other wealthy peers and she could just sell off their stuff or something.

at the beginning she only did it to afford certain things she needed, but soon it somehow became an addiction. she felt in control when everyone else in her life was an utter mess. however, the more she took things away from others the more she felt comfortable, doing it more often and sometimes taking things which weren’t even worth that much. it was only a matter of time until she was caught. and as if she was lucky for too long, the person who caught her pressured her into either giving them a hefty sum of money (which she didn’t have) or to quit figure skating. she decided for the latter.

well, here she was and her sudden departure was quite a shock. but she had no choice and stated it was for personal reasons.

skipping over her being devastated over it, etc. her parents managed to save their company (whatever this company is) but at this point it was already too late and roxy was accepted into holloway.

right now she actually wants to pick up her figure skating career again, however, she’s too afraid that the blackmailer is going to expose her and also she doesn’t really know who they are (lets pretend they wrote her letters, txt messages >??) and also she’s kind of afraid due to the lack of practice she had .

personality.

okay i’ll keep this short bcs i wrote way too much for her background story. but to sum it up, roxy kind of has that perfect girl facade. considering how many friends roxy has and how social she appears to be it is odd that no one seems to be able to describe her. roxy doesn’t want people to know who she truly is, and she keeps her distance as she actively avoids conflicts that might cause her to say something wrong and exposes herself.

she shields her feelings by only presenting polished version of herself, the facade of the perfect girl: kind, hard-working and polite. someone whose life is easy and someone who looks like she doesn’t have any worries. it doesn’t mean she isn’t anything of that, but it’s not as if her kindness has no bounds or that she doesn’t need to put effort into the things she does. nevertheless, she believes that she must be perfect in order to make people like her. and while, she is pretty good at masking her emotions and smile along, as soon as someone threatens to see past the illusion, she will become defensive and won’t hesitate to lie in order to preserve it.

plots.

best friends: although roxy pretty much keeps her distance from everyone else, this person had always stood by her side. maybe they knew about roxy’s sudden wannabe-thief phase ( which she is still in ) and well tried to talk her out of it ( which obviously didn’t work ). also adding some drama here and maybe they had a big argument over it and distanced from each othr because of it. however, my angst ass doesn’t want to ruin it and they’ll rekindle their friendship. they might meet again at holloway and it’s awkward at first, maybe they even have some arguments but they’ll get over it because everyone loves a good rekindled friendship story.

annoyance: someone who gets under roxy’s skin.seeing past the perfect girl face and constantly calling her out on it. maybe they just have fun annoying her and want to see what she really likes or they just don’t like roxy , thinking that beneath all of this act, she is a really unpleasant person. perhaps, they’re even doing it with good intentions and want to show her that she doesn’t need to hide who she is. whatever it is, they’re determined to expose to the world who she really is.

pen pal ??: muse a and roxy had been friends for a very long time, yet the funny thing is that they’ve never met each other nor do they know what the other look like. all they know is their name ( or maybe they only know each other by their usernames ) and their deepest secrets. maybe they already have crossed paths many times and perhaps even know each other but don’t like each other irl. or they never had noticed the other.

blackmailer: BECAUSE WHY NOT??? the person who forced roxy to give up on figure skating. maybe, they were a rival or just didn’t like her, or any other reason. they might as well, have noticed that roxy is secretly training again and might be back at their shit again.

exes: GIVE ME THE ANGST, maybe muse a and roxy used to be in a serious relationship and as naive they were back then both of them thought this love would last forever. however, at some point roxy started to distance herself from muse a, constantly cancelling their dates because of their busy schedule. at first muse a tried to be understanding towards her, but as time passed things only got worse. roxy hating any kind of conflict just decided to ignore the problem instead about talking about it and eventually stopped replying to muse a messages. muse a never really got to know the real reason behind their break up and was left with unanswered questions. but anything works

unrequited love: (this is just me throwing in my favourite way to make myself suffer) It doesn’t matter who is the one with the the one sided love because i just want some good angst.a) muse a has a crush on roxy, yet they never told her about it. yet, muse a can’t hide it and it doesn’t take too long until roxy notices it. but instead of trying to talk to muse a about it, roxy just ignores it acting as she usually does and perhaps even give them false hope that she might like them back. maybe muse a even confessed to her and because roxy didn’t want to hurt them she told muse a she’d think about it.

b) roxy has a crush on muse a but doesn’t admit it. she doesn’t want to show their vunerable side and just plays it down. maybe they’re friends and roxy doesn’t want to lose another friend. but one day she confesses to muse a on accident, making everything awkward between them.

someone she stole from: idk i thought this would be fun ? maybe she confessed to them about it or maybe they caught her but decided to not confront her about it.

fan: someone who used to watch her perfomances on their tv and is still not over the fact that she quit.

i also have a connection page on my blog if these are too specific or none of these work

i’m too tired to come up with more dsdsdnjsd but gimme everything !! THE ANGST, FLUFF, DRAMA PLS!!!

#did i use a special font just to highlight the yeehaw ?? yes #holloway.intro #this got so long djssdsdn

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janiedean · 5 years ago

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Why is Tumblr so AntiR/ylo? It just seems like so widespread to hate but also it’s pretty tame, I don’t get why it’s the focus of so much hate even from people who’ve never seen Star Wars

pal I had ranted about it once while discussing another issue ie ‘why do people think kylo is abusive’ here but imvho basically the problem is that it arrived when the social justice calvinism on tumblr was in its wake and it’s basically a summary of everything tumblr hates as in:

enemies to lovers where he is the bad guy

it’s m/f so STRAIGHT IS BAD ™️

the bad guy is not a Good Victim ™️

they have an age difference where she’s younger than he is

the bad guy is also not standard attractive for tumblr standards so he doesn’t get the usual pass that all Standard Attractive Bad Guys get

the bad guy is white

the bad guy belongs to a fascist-like organization that aesthetically is inspired by we-know-who.... same as every fucking bad guy in western media post-wwii because you immediately equate that aesthetic with being the bad guy but on tumblr apparently liking smth means supporting that irl soooooo they decided the bad guy is a nazi WHEN HE’S FUCKING NOT and so everyone who likes the bad guy or a ship where he’s part of is also a nazi supporter...... when it’s not the case

it requires assuming that in order to work the heroine has to show some compassion to a dude who’s not a Good Victim ™️ and see that he actually had reasons to turn out like he did, which... well, implies that the audience has to accept that kylo ren isn’t worthless/un-savable/un-redeemable, and since according to the very calvinist view of this website someone like kylo ren is basically the worst of the worst (see post above for in depth explanation) and it requires for them to admit that someone they see as The Worst can actually have some hope to go back to being a good person........... and a lot of people here can’t do that or won’t do that and just won’t see that he actually is way better than they made him out to be and you know, saying ‘oh I changed my mind’ is a thing that is Not Accepted On Tumblr Ever

(spoiler: that was me partially bc like when watching tfa I came out of it not caring about kylo either way but tlj made me go like oH OKAY HE’S A GOOD CHARACTER I GET IT so yeah I changed my mind thanks very much)

also there’s the entire part where people have decided that their interrogation scene in tfa is the reason why it’s abusive when like... he tried to read her mind once and she kicked his ass twice and dished him the same so I still don’t get it also bc as I said in the previous post to be in an abusive relationship you have to like... have a pre-existing rship that they didn’t have and ‘fighting with swords twice and that interrogation before you actually start cozying up and talking like two civilized people’ doesn’t really count in that sense but okay then

anyway the people who haven’t seen sw have decided it is based on anti narrative which is... like...... anti narrative *shrug*

personally I think r/eylo is the dumbest hill anyone should die on bc it’s the fucking tamest enemies to lovers thing in existence and they were truly enemies for the whole entirety of.... forty minutes of TFA and ten minutes in TLJ, maybe, and I honestly think treating it like the plague is a waste of time and idgi never mind painting all the shippers as The Worst when they’ve been crucified since 2015 and they’re nowhere near as bad as The Really Worst People In SW Fandom Including The Toxic Idiots On Twitter - like all of sw is a toxic mess but the reylo people are in no way the demons people make them out to be (and I’m saying it as someone who like.... was lowkey into it but always from the outside post tlj and whose main investment in the ST was st/ormplito so I’m not saying it because I am in that fandom since I’ve been officially-ish in it doing something.... since dec 18th lol) and like......... I’m finding it just bizarre in the worst way

tldr: because it’s everything tumblr hates put into one and for some astral circumstance it happened in the worst moment for it to happen

#reylo #idek guys #otp: you're not alone; neither are you #sw wank for ts #tros spoilers for ts #i mean there aren't specifically but still #Anonymous #ask post

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rkjeno · 5 years ago

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hello!! this is slightly late because i’m just a Huge Mess and i never know what i’m doing but it’s okay... probably. anyway, i’m not actually a new mun! i’m almost scared to introduce myself bc everyone will be like “what are u doing, u can’t even handle your current muses”, but listen,,, hear me out,,, I Love Him. i would have been super sad if i missed out on playing this beautiful, precious, perfect baby. he is my 3rd rk muse and i have a lot of faith in him!! maybe just less faith in myself but WE WILL SEE.

but anyway, this is just bek again! otherwise known as the mun of rkmg and rkseola! you can attempt to contact me on twitter ( kmingross ) or discord ( kmingross#9674 ) and i have a short bullet point bio on him that you can find here, though hopefully i will have more sufficient information on him soon. i have to work on his profile, full bio, plots, etc., but i have been,,, busy since i think he’s gonna try for the mgas,, so if anyone wants to plot with him regarding that, pls let me know!!

i have info about him and vague plot ideas below!! ( it would be greatly appreciated if u could reply to this post or mssg me if you’re interested in any of them!! ) ♡ ♡ ♡

jeno here is my music loving, video game obsessed child who is currently attending university even though he isn’t sure... he wants to continue his education. classes are taking a toll on him and he can’t figure out whether or not it’s worth it. on one hand, he kind of wants to go to school to become a game developer!! but on the other hand, he loves music a lot and occasionally wonders if he should try taking a path revolving around that instead. however, he isn’t the most outgoing and charismatic guy, so that is something he considers and it makes him question if he’d be capable of doing something in that department.

he’s a bit of a nerd and he’s super smart and good at solving puzzles!! he also has a passion for music and he’s the most confident in his singing voice, though he also raps and plays the guitar and piano! he’s the type of person that typically has a love for people but he’s also quiet without a lot of friends irl and talks about “hating people” anyway. he’s definitely more lively when he talks to people online / plays games onlines / streams himself playing games / uploads covers. basically, he is more confident online and with his online personality than he is in person. he’s a funny guy and he likes making jokes and making people laugh, even if he isn’t big and showy about it. he’s more so the type to have a quiet spoken comeback to things that are nowhere near directed at him. he has a big imagination and lots of thoughts and opinions, they’re just rarely voiced aloud! it’s easier for him to write ( which he enjoys doing ) since he can think hard and word his thoughts just right.

he lived in the united states for 8 years!! when he was 7-15. all other years were spent here in seoul, which is where he was born.

i don’t really have a lot else to say about him right now, but pleASE PLOT WITH MY BOY!!

a few plot / relationship ideas!!

online friends - since he is way more talkative and lively when behind a screen, he probably has more of these than he does friends he hangs out on a daily basis. but!! maybe they finally want to meet for whatever reason!! he understands that he should be more social!

old childhood friends from before jeno moved to the united states ( he left in 2007 ). people that he hasn’t reconnected with but it would be really fun and interesting when they do.

jeno’s first “girlfriend”. someone around his age that he used to know when he was anywhere from 4-7 and they probably held hands a lot and shared snacks.

people that have watched jeno’s covers or streams before?? he would be really flustered if he was recognized, he’d probably die on the spot.

jeno returned to seoul when he was 15 and finished high school here, so maybe some old classmates??

jeno is really skilled at math, so maybe he tutors a few people? if your muse is struggling,,, he’s your guy

maybe a cousin? or two?

thank you for reading all of this if you have! ♡

#( ooc. )#( i am just a big mess )

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bi-lullaby · 5 years ago

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No one asked

And I should be studying, but here are some thoughts for season 16 so far:

(SPOILER WARNING, OBVIOUSLY)

1 - Merluca and it’s parts: COUPLES FIGHT STOP PREDICTING THE WORST OK. They’ve been completely adorable so far, but this is what someone said in a interview: “This is the after in happy ever after” (or something to that effect). They’re gonna fight and them they’re gonna make up, I hope. As for their fight: They were both in the right imo. Yes, Meredith is being inconsequent and it must be so frustrating for Deluca to A)Have her continue risking her career and license and freedom when he went to such lengths to help that, B) Be crapped on constantly bc of something your girlfriend did. Yes, Meredith is completely right in fighting the system that is so throughtly broken, and yes, coming to apologize to her mentor and longtime friend was completely the right thing to do. I wanna see merluca wedding and marriage! Maybe (since there are two pregnant people in this season already?) next season will be Mer and Jo? One can dream! For them individually: Poor Mer, she has bitten more than she can chew but she is ready to take on this fight! Imma love to see her as auntie mer! I mis merjolex so much tho, I know she’s been busy and all but they seem to forget she is a important part in their support system. Andrew has been all over the place. I love his confidence, but in the ep where he literally screamed at Bailey over her trying to teach an intern? And called her out bc she was using a different material than Mer? I was a bit off-thrown. But he’s still a great character I enjoy watching. Hope they find the balance between confidence and arrogance for him, and develop him even more!

2 - Amelink: AAAAAA. They’re so amazing and perfect and sweet and I wanna hug them both. Link is everything you could wish for, Amy is adorable as ever. If they lay a finger on either them as a couple, them as individuals, or their baby, imma kick some asses. I don’t think they will tho, Amy is been through SO MUCH already and she deserves a breath.

3 - Bailey: OMG SHE IS PREGNANT AAAAAAAA. I’m so happy! Ben is already a great dad, this will be so fun to watch! Hope they don’t put her through the ringer with a difficult pregnancy or a sick child, she does not deserve this! She already nearly lost her first child while giving birth in a bomb-y hospital while her husband had brain surgery NEXT to the bomb. Enough pregnancy drama for a lifetime. As for her actions: I’ve said before: I’m pissed, yes. She’s acting way too harsh and taking it out on people and more importantly (as I’ve touched on in my female grey’s characters ranking post) she’s out of character. Where is the Bailey that went around the hospital runnning after the attendings and kicking their asses into signing her proposal for a free clinic? And gave them a speech on how they had failed her and she needed something to believe in in medicine? She was one of the first characters to point out how broken the system was, to take direct action to try and fix it. Sure, she likes to try and work within the rules as much as possible, much she is not adverse to breaking a few of them if she thinks it’s necessary (hello deactivated HIV inside a young boy’s body without parental consent! Hello changing the date on a surgery which is also insurance fraud!)! If she thinks it’ll save a life! But also, she’s not completely wrong: Meredith did commit a crime, as good as her intentions were; As her boss, firing her was the only logical decision. She thought her hospital (which she dedicated a good half of her life to) was being attacked by someone she trained into the surgeon she is, ofc she’d be mad as all hell. Quadri was disrespectful, not doing her job well, actively getting in the way of her superior doing her job, screaming at her boss in the middle of the hallway about how she didn’t want to work there - firing her was a tad extreme (specially for a charact who has never, herself, had any qualms ahout mouthing off to her own superiors when she didn’t think something was right) but not completely out of nowhere. I hate hate hate how they’ll probs throw a “oh she was being crazy bc pregnancy hormones!” line after seeing how her actions have been badly perceived by people (like there isn’t enough a stereotype that women can’t have positions of power because hormones make them crazy) instead of “hey this character was put in extremely uncomfortable and tough positiona after extremely uncomfortable and tough positions and came off as harsher than necessary while trying to balance a world-class hospital crisis”. Ugh.

4 - Jackson: Ok so the last few eps have rekindled my love for him and I’m relieved! There’s the good, kind, funny and smart guy I like! I was mad bc of the whole Jaggie drama, but hey, shit happens! If they will be better apart, then I’m happy! (Ok 50% of this is because of what he said to levi! Stanning Meredith Grey + dorky Harry Potter reference? Yes!!!!). I hope this season will be kind on him, that he and Vicky work out well (from what I gathered about it, she has also been through a lot) and that we see more Harriet!

5 - Maggie: Baby girl. I love that they’re consistent that she has a jealous streak but is also a very good person who is always trying her best. Plus, official womb secret bearer is the best title omg! Maybe she should change from cardio to obgyn, lol! Plus, the sisters are everything to me! She instantaneous knew Amy was mad! She stood up for Mer! Aaaaa I love them!!!! Hope this show ends with all three of them happy and loved and badass as always!

6 - Others: Tom has been an.... Interesting piece. I love him, but his antics are almost caricature-esque now and it’s getting on my nerves. He was detestable in exploitating that family’s pain but also, the hospital did need a pr boost or it’d be in even hotter waters! The restraining order on Owen was a tad much bc it got in the way of patient care, but also he did get electrocuted in a very sensitive area by someone who had just gotten together with his ex - I’d be a little suspicious that it was 100% unintentional tbh. He’s power drunk and needs to be turned down a notch. Schmit and Nico and adorkable as always and I loved Nico’s speech about demanding more of himself - That’s one of the biggest traps of low self-steem and Imm glad it’s mentioned. I’ll miss Quadri. Helm being a MeredithGrey stan first and person second is still me lol. I loved how this last ep showed how much of a family they are - all the connections and shared pasts and references to relationships and what not. The “bird” storyline was so cute! Pac North seems so promissing and I’ll cry ugly tears when my baby Alex turns that ish around and shows everyone who’s boss!!!! The whole “the world is broken” theme of the season is my jam! Sadly, irl that handful of people are not gonna turn it around, but I want to see it happen on my screen! The medical system being fixed! As a future doctor (I promissed myself I’d not be the person who brings it up in every opportunity but lol here I am) it’d make me so happy! Against my better judgment, I’m liking Towen! They are trying, they’re really trying! Owen has done nothing wrong so far (besides offering to milk teddy which was just dumb, not malicious) and has been great at stepping down from his job so she could work! And him at Pac North will be great tbh - as much as I didlike him, he is an excellent doctor and strategist and he was a great chief at GS (until the last bit which was just gross negligence). From the promo for next ep: I don’t think they’ll make Webber cheat again. It’d be predictable and cheap and I’d be so mad that we’d have another round of acting like he’s a saint with a tiny issue of being a cheater. What I theorize is: He’ll have lunch with his friend, and either A) She’ll be friendly at the wrong time and Catherine will walk in and then think he’s cheating and it’ll be a mess, or B) Gemma is gonna try to get him back to drinking (Or maybe C) She was telling him to stop being bullheaded and fighting with his wife when life is so short). Cristina reference in the text omg, my heart!

Sorry for the long rant!

#grey’s anatomy #greys anatomy #spoiler alert

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thecloserkin · 5 years ago

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book review: K Webster, Hale (2018)

Genre: Romance

Is it the main pairing: Yes

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: Yes, extremely explicit. In fact if this had been published on literotica i would have accounted it a well-above-average story.

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: Yes

Bottom line: This is the most vanilla thing I have read in a LONG time and if i hadn’t paid $3.99 for it i doubt I would have bothered to finish it

I picked up this title because shipcestuous added it to her to-read shelf on goodreads, and while it’s clear from the editorial copy (“This book is an epic, emotional, raw love story”) that they think something groundbreaking is going on here, I would like to direct these amateurs to the Sibling Incest tag on Ao3. Or the Incest Shipping Yay page on TVtropes. Or Astrid’s now-defunct blog, if tumblr ever sees fit to restore it. Trust me, you do not have to be doing anything experimental or original for me to enjoy your tropetastic incest story. You don’t even have to be good with words. Stephenie Meyer, for instance, is not what anybody would call a first-rate stylist, and yet I’ve never had any trouble finishing any of her books (none of which feature incest, but the point was about writing generally).

Hudson and Rylie Hale lose their parents in a tragic car accident. Their shared grief is the catalyst for the affair that blooms between them, and I will give them this much: these kids at least know better than to leave any incriminating texts or pictures lying around on their phones. Their vigilance in the digital realm is then completely nullified by the way they conduct themselves irl—they’re walked in on by (1) their aunt aka Rylie’s guardian and (2) Hudson’s roommate at college, all within a week of getting together. I know the risk of being caught is part of the allure of incestuous relationships, but these clowns need to learn to keep it in their pants at least until they can find a closet.

In my opinion this story would have benefitted from an Outsider POV or two. Not every story needs one—Cathy Dollanganger’s first-person POV is more than adequate to carry Flowers in the Attic, and speaking of authors who are shoddy stylists, look at how bad V.C. Andrews was, and how little it mattered—but there’s not enough substance to either Hudson or Rylie’s characters for their alternating POVs to keep the reader invested. In brief, Rylie’s clinically depressed, and Hudson’s attending college on a baseball scholarship. There’s a scene where they watch a movie together and end up fucking on the couch, which would usually be my jam (standard sibling interaction leads to white-hot sex), except I was boooooored. There’s a scene where she visits him at school and they go skinny-dipping in a lake with some of his friends, and they both have to fight off the attentions of prospective romantic partners, and it ends with him carrying her to his truck and fucking her in the back off it. Which again in theory sounds amazing. In practice I think the jealousy trope works better if you’re threatened by your partner’s emotional intimacy with somebody else. And what is Rylie worried about? That this girl has porn star tits, where Rylie is much more modestly endowed. Ok you know who else has small tits? Natalie Portman. Keira Knightley. Emma Watson. Physically unprepossessing women the whole lot of them, amirite? Rylie is overcome by the same unwarranted insecurity when it comes to Hudson’s on-again-off-again ex-girlfriend, who is described as having humongous knockers. I understand how this can make Rylie feel inadequate—women are taught to hate their bodies from day one—but this chick also clearly has nothing going on upstairs, and her emotional connection with Hudson is nowhere in Rylie’s league. So Rylie’s jealousy strikes me as unearned and unrealistic.

Hudson and Rylie spend a good chunk of this book struggling against their feelings, berating themselves for being sick and twisted, all of which would normally be my kryptonite since i am on record gushing about the taboo/forbidden angle of incest and how I’m into sneaking around!! And none of it did damn thing for me in this case. The more reviews I read that contain the word “raw” the more I start to wonder if we all read the same book.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

As far as canon incest happy ending goes, the “run away together to where nobody knows you guys” strategy has its drawbacks, namely that it means leaving loved ones behind. I have discussed my preference for Option B before, but that option isn’t on the table for Hudson and Rylie because THEY GOT THEMSELVES CAUGHT IN THE ACT and exposed their relationship to multiple people so they can’t plausibly carry on denying it. Especially when Rylie starts popping out kids. Look, I’m into pregnancy kink as much as the next person but it just seems unearned. As is the fact that Hudson found a good-paying steady job even without the college degree their parents worked so hard to push him to get (he was kicked off the baseball team + lost his scholarship due to a combination of grieving for parents & obsessive infatuation for sister). This is America, where good jobs don’t just fall into high school graduates’ laps (unless you have family connections, which the Hale kids don’t, bc they had to move a thousand miles away to live amongst strangers!). And I can’t write these lapses off to the influence of the genre because I know there can be coherent class discourse in a romance novel.

A professor of mine once gave me a copy of Reading the Romance: Women, Patriarchy and Popular Literature (1984) by Janice Radway, and it remains to this day one of the most transformative nonfiction reading experiences of my entire life. Janice Radway conducts interviews with dozens of mostly-married, mostly-middle-aged women in a midsize midwestern American city, and finds that for them reading romance novels is a form of self-care. They spend the rest of their time supporting and nurturing their families & extended social networks, but with a Harlequin romance in hand, husbands are much less likely to bother them. They can carve out time and space for themselves, they can draw from these escapist fantasies the emotional sustenance that their marriages/children are not providing. They can form friendships with like-minded women who also read a lot of romance. It resonated deeply with me even if I’m not a middle-aged white homemaker in middle America in 1984, because ever since, I’ve been very clear-eyed about why I read romance: To meet my own emotional needs that are for some reason not being met by my existing meatspace relationships. That, to me, is the point of the romance genre, and to hell with character and plot. And that’s why I say Hale let me down, because it didn’t succeed in making me feel anything.

There’s a post floating around that contrasts the way we categorize published fiction (by genre, ie. what happens—wizards or starships? corsets or lawyers?) with fanfiction, which is organized based on how it makes us feel: fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, etc. And fic has never let me down in that department, so I guess that’s why romance and fanfic fall under the same mental classification in my head. In this essay I will

#book review #hale #k webster

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years ago

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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one-moreminute · 6 years ago

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HI, for the ask meme: 1, 2, 5, 6, 7,8, 10, 12,13, 16, 17, 23, 24, 25, 32, 33, 40, 41, 44, 47, 49, 52, 54, 57, 58, 60, 62(and yes I am an idiot for putting that number in here), 66, 68, 69, 70 and 71(good luck)

I’m gonna say now that I really cba to paste in the questions for all of these because tumblrs fucked up again so enjoy this bigass disjointed ask dump. 1 - I’m a back sleeper, but its more comfortable on my side. Go figure. 2 - It depends really? Its normally what I’ve just been listening to, so,, I’ve been listening to BTS again lately though, and I just caught myself humming Aeroplane Pt.2,,, so,,,,5 - My irl friend (@queerly-disappointed, Fuck You) told me he had a tumblr,, and I’d found the text posts that popped up on basically every other social media funny, so I made an account? I regretted it like 60 seconds later6 - I don’t think telling people I used to watch an anime about (gay) volleyballers would go too well, tbh (haikyuu)7 - ,,,okay so tbh I don’t really wanna explain any of my interests there mainly because people are assholes and I’m way too guarded, but wtnv would probably be the easiest because it just sounds like a weird podcast8 - It just switched from Outro: Tear (BTS) to Press Restart (Walk the Moon), so I guess that counts?10 - Wait,, I can pick ANY animal,, and I magically have no allergies,, do you genuinely think I’d stop at one? Okay but I’d probably start of with a dog (I used to have a border collie and they’re the best), like 37 cats, and crows are also really cool but probably not the best pet,, so12 - this is,, a tough one. Uhhh, I genuinely hate pineapple with every fibre of my being and every one of them should be thrown into the void so I never have to taste that sour piece of stringy shit ever again. ,,,I’m okay now13 - catch me avoiding all confrontation ever, so like,, Running Away That Magically Kills Everyone?16 - jejahsjjs salty/savoury food is the best, when I can have it curry is great, but if not just salty crackers are vvv good. I have no idea why, I just really like the taste and they make me feel better, so??17 - mad science huh,, I really like biology and plants are cool, so catch the Mad Botanist and his Army Of Evil Trees (and that one asshole holly bush who keeps spiking everyone bc they’re an asshole and I hate them)23 - I end up obsessively hoarding pens and paper because I always run out. Does that count?24 - Nearest pen’s my good fineliner, which I got last September for school I think?25 - Last game I played is Really Bad Chess (check the App Store, it’s,, something), so unless the zombies end up with like 6 queens I think I’m good 32 - When I was a kid I had this stuffed dog thing and I’d squeezed half of the stuffing out into the arms, so the joins between the body and shit were completely empty. He’s currently living behind my bed, in a box somewhere, I think 33 - Keeping a Secret by Bleachers (I actually really like this song but there aren’t many like,, meaningful lyrics in that way I guess? It’s more the mood, idk if you could pull some out and have it mean the same,, but)And oh God, it's a long walk homeBut I understand why I walk it alone44 - Most orange is UGLY with other colours. I don’t really like red either?47 - When I was really little I had this weird ass dream about clowns? Like it was legit just six different clowns stood in front of a blue background but I was Shook. 49 - Obscure facts,, when ya boi John Snow was trying to prove cholera was in fact Water Bourne And Doesn’t Appear Out Of Nowhere You Fucking Twat back in the 19th Century, he made a map of the deaths in his area due to cholera. Except he found one woman miiiiiles away who was dead from it, even though she was nowhere near any other victims. Why? She had her servants bring water from the infected pump because she liked the taste. 52 - ,,once upon a time my dumbass thought he was straight54 - I bet you couldn’t fucking guess what my favourite fucking curse is, I mean what the fuck, it must be so fucking hard, I have no fucking clue how the fuck you’re gonna guess this 57 - Digital art is genuinely incredible but I can’t do it to save my life 58 - Uhh,, I know how to build a fire?60 - Dinosaurs and aliens are great but dude,, dragons62 - I’m not insulting you, nice try 66 - Honesty, creativity, kindness I guess?68 - Nebula is a good word69 - Fuck alien, marry dragon, kill dinosaur (they had it coming anyway)70 - And here we see a wild gay, in his natural habitat. The specimen appears to be avoiding all responsibility, shielding himself in the familiar digital walls of his phone - but what’s this? He’s picking up a pen - we may be in for a treat today - he’s leaning down to the book open on his desk,, he’s about to write someth- and the pen crashes against the window, thrown from the creature in a moment of impulsiveness and sheer, unbridled stupidity. 71 - How about I don’t do that?So I’ve been doing this on and off for the past like 6 hours and I haven’t proof read this and I can’t remember what I put in this so rip future me

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thechampagnelovers · 4 years ago

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Please blog about hp when you read them, I love talking about so much hahaha. I really wish I would be following more blogs on here that focus on hp but it would take time to get into it and find good blogs. I still struggle with that even in this fandom. So many people I follow have problems with each other and I am just so confused? Like I just want to follow decent people and have a good time and it‘s hard so I take time off as much as I can (as I said multiple times I know) and just come on here to reblog cute things like YOUR LYRIC EDIT! Cuuuuuuuute! Such a nice present for your friend. 🥺🥺🥺

While scrolling through your reblogs - all so cute I swear - I did see something we don‘t have in common though so I thought I’d tell you, just to spice things up: I can‘t get into Taylor Swift. I was such a die hard fan the first two albums (I was so fucking little lol) and then she started heavily on the pop and then I just lost her? I mean I understand her talent and lyrically she is really amazing but she ist just nobody I can or want to listen to. Okay kill me now hahaah. How did you come to like her music? Maybe give me three of your favourite songs and I promise to try again. 😅

Moooving on: I can only imagine how cool it must be to become friends with someone over creating something together. That is a really good foundation for friendship or at least connection because you automatically have to get personal and open up, right? At least that‘s how I see it... It‘s one of the things I wish I had in my life. Sharing my creativity with others, even friends, you know?

A comfort album... yes absolutely! 🥺

I have a 1D Playlist where I have all their songs collected and when I put that on I just let it run through and I don‘t really get to the point where I can skip because it‘s like a Mood™️ if that makes sense haha. But yeah I totally get that you‘d only trust Niall with Little Things and he would never let you down. When Liam sang it I was like „Nice, thanks for the memories, amazing vocals“ ajsklsn. Maybe I should start hating some songs too, builds personality hahah.

I am so sorry you had such a weird weekend. And sorry you had those cramps again. 😫 I am already dreading mine. 😭 Why did you stop taking the pill, if you don‘t mind answering that? I stopped because I couldn‘t handle the hormones at all. I hope you get this figured out! Please keep me updated. 💓 Oh and I think you have a healthy relationship with crying and it‘s good to be open about it! If it helps I cried today too, yayyy! Is there anything I can do to cheer you up though maybe? Oh and tell me why your book is depressing? We should opening a book club honestly. I am currently crying over rwrb, I finally got some time to really get into it and am almost finished and... NOT OK. Wow okay I have been ranting again. Hope you had a better day! x

I definitely will! When I get back home I’ll read them and I can tag the posts, it’s gonna be so fun! I don’t follow hp blogs :/ I think I follow just one but I don’t even remember the url sjdhjd

If you need chill people to follow I recommend all my mutuals! I’m a strong advocate in having a curated online experience and most of my mutuals are drama free blogs 🤍

Thank you beer nony 🥺🥺🥺I just realised I never made you anything for your bday 😔😔😔 I’m so so so so sorry skdjjdjd next edit is dedicated to you, and I’m also gonna make something for tee! Lately all my post are gifts for mutuals and I love that

I won’t kill you JDHDJD it’s okay, I like Taylor but I’m nowhere near a hardcore stan so I don’t really mind it, also I understand what you’re saying, albums like 1989 and reputation are completely pop and tbh they’re not my fav albums lol 😳 although they both have songs that I LOVE, she never misses. Two of my best friends are swifties, and me and my other best friend are 1d stans so everytime we hang out we play taylor and 1d dkdhdjdj that’s kinda how it happened I think

If you miss the old taylor, my recommendations is ofc folklore and evermore! Cozy comfort albums, goes back to her roots a little bit more, it’s definitely not pop. My fav album is red for sure, and I know you don’t like her pop music but lover is just spectacular and you can’t miss it

Top songs for me are (in no particular order) red, the story of us, miss Americana, state of grace, holy ground, the lakes, no body no crime, champagne problems, gold rush, come back be here, New Romantics and getaway car! And I’m sure I’m missing so many gems too! But yeah, if you want to give her a second chance, red, lover and evermore are my recommendations! And you can check out the folklore online concert on disney+

Ohhh nony 🥺🥺🥺 you’re right, it’s a very nice feeling, and that’s how I always make friendships really djjfjd idk other ways to interact :/ and you can do it! I would love to see what you make, maybe it’s harder irl but online you can make so many friends sharing your art! And I would love to see it

Djdhjdjd I totally get the mood feeling, bc it is a vibe for sure 🤍 ugh I love Niall, he’s the only man I trust

Thank you nony! This time I didn’t suffer near as much as the last time but still not fun. I stopped bc of some logistic problems with the pharmacy djdjdj and I wasn’t really having sex so why bother yk? (Funny story the other day my ex asked me if I wanted to go to his house and I had a full breakdown that made me delete my Instagram so, yeah, that’s my sex life). Besides a little breakout on my skin once in a while I didn’t have many side effects but now I’m really struggling with it now. Mine have a very little dose of hormones so it didn’t affect me much, but yeah some pills can be so bad :( I’m sorry to hear that, and don’t worry I’ll keep you updated

Yay crying 🤍 lol djdhdjd idk if I have a healthy relationship with crying, it’s either nothing or all at once but I’m getting better with it.

The book is about very triggering stuff that I really don’t want to mention bc I would have to filter this post and I don’t feel like it skdhdjdhd but it ended on a nice note, so it’s okay

I had a great day today! Honestly yesterday was the stress and the hormones acting up on me, now I’m more chill and I feel better, so thank you love 🤍 enjoy your week!

#this took ages I’m so sorry nony #beer nony #ask #personal

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patchdotexe · 4 years ago

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sorry to add on here, this was originally gonna be in the tags only but then i realized the words were just Kinda Happening so:

i was. actually just thinking earlier today that i wasnt sure if i count as selectively mute BECAUSE of being in fandoms where selective mutism is a common headcanon but it’s like what op said where it’s pretty much “almost always silent and uses ASL all the time”, while i have anxiety/stress-induced nonverbal episodes that can also hit out of seemingly nowhere and last for, like, a couple hours even after the stressful situation is over (+ will be like near-totally quiet irl even when not having a stress-related episode, unless im talking to my roommate)

ive considered learning ASL as a workaround bc i get frustrated abt not being able to communicate (bc for me its “i WANT to be able to get words out or explain things but i Can't”) but despite that being a thing ive wanted to do for over a year now ive made very little progress. i write some selectively mute characters that use ASL or some other way to clearly communicate when they have a “no words only brain hell” episode but it’s kinda a projection of me being like “god i wish i could do that”

but the thing is like. when im not nonverbal i am INCREDIBLY loud and chatty. i do livestreams for, like, several hours, and excitedly ramble the whole time! except, actually, when doing challenge runs with some strangers the past couple weeks i set myself to push-to-talk to have an excuse for why i wasnt talking as much (it was actually because i was starting to go nonverbal from high anxiety but i didnt want to explain that to, like, 7 strangers).

im also very very chatty in text... but that’s because it’s in text, where i’m not having to struggle with my brain deciding that no matter how hard i try or how loudly i think the words i want to say they just wont come out. when i AM able to force the words out, it feels horrible and is a literal strain on me and it leads to a lot of self-hate bc internalized... uh, ableism i guess? of I Should Be Able To Do This Normally, Why Can’t I, I Was Fine Five Minutes Ago

seeing people headcanon characters as selectively mute / being some flavour of nonverbal makes me really happy, because “haha i do that”, but it is very much like what op said where it’s kinda like... i guess a term being used without much understanding of what it actually is or the various levels of it or how it affects situations.

like, im in the henry stickmin fandom, and it is VERY cool to see there being a huge amount of content w/ henry being selectively mute to the point of it being a common tag on ao3 (and i also hc him as that!), and also it’s rather supported by canon because henry is silent 80% of the time but he does talk but ive only seen, like, a couple fics actually go into that & acknowledge that it’s a situational thing + will tie it to being anxiety-related or something similar, and most of everything else writes him as 100% mute despite having the “selectively mute henry” tag.

(and like, im not infallible on this, because i kinda was sliding into that too, and that’s what led me to wake up thinking “so am i selectively mute or do i just have A General Problem, is this even a label i should be considering using for myself” because whoops my perception of myself is very influenced by how fandom content portrays neurodivergencies i happen to have, so uh, thank you op for this post bc it gave me a reason to sit down and Think About It)

oh god this is very long i am so, so sorry

I feel people often misunderstand what being selectively mute means and that it has a spectrum (by severity and manifestation) too like other disorders ?

Like i feel people hear selectively mute and go "oh so you're basically mute by arguable choice and thus learn asl and go through similar stuff mute and deaf people do"

But that isn't really true no ???

There's a large variety to being selectively mute and some peeps DO have similar experiences to mute and deaf people or even nonverbal peeps but not everyone is the same

Like I'm selectively mute but many people don't assume so because when I'm with friends i talk a lot and i can talk in public if I'm with people ! And I'm seemingly "normal" due to this

But people don't see how if I'm by myself i will go fully mute or if I'm in a fearfully stressful situation (especially by myself) i can also completely lose my ability to talk ! I know i have problems with this and it's why i try not to go anywhere by myself (and listen to music often to curb possible convos) and while i can force myself to talk for times like doctor's appointments it's very stressful for me, tiring and i often speak very quietly if i force it and can't force my voice at louder volumes or it will give me panic attacks (it can even make me go mute for the rest of the day or even following day if i force it too much)

Like the main thing with being selectively mute is that you're incapable of speaking when within environments you feel unsafe or stressed in (which this is an anxiety disorder) but you are able to talk while within environments you DO feel safe and often comfortable in

Of course this is a very simplified definition and as i mentioned this disorder is very diverse and people can have selective mutism from/for different things such as trauma related things i believe but y'know the whole "is able to talk when feeling safe" i feel is important

I also don't know asl; I've been trying to learn it on my own time but it just hasn't happened and since i mostly avoid going places by myself/doing things i know will trigger mutism, i never personally had to infact need it (it would make my life easier at some points such with asking things maybe but it hasn't been my only form of communication for extended periods of time). I also when i go mute i often don't want to make any communication really like not even noises or suggestive motions i just want to leave as i fear the communication part

Also i feel the assumption of all selectively mute people knowing asl is similar to that of assuming all blind people know braille like yes this is very helpful and some choose to learn since it is very helpful but not everyone does

This whole post is mainly because I'm seeing an increase in people giving characters selective mutism which is great ! But they tend to treat the character as if they're mute/deaf and they speak strictly in asl and seemingly oftentimes don't have the anxiety of the disorder at all ? Like they're missing the vital part of the reason they're mute being because they're scared and feeling unsafe

For example, i see people give Gordon Freeman (from the game half life) selective mutism but they don't touch upon his anxieties in the situations and again have him strictly mute, only speaking in asl and hardly ever suggest he ever does talk (or use him talking as a joke)

And asl is great and i truly believe everyone should learn it if they can ! I'm glad asl is showing up and being used in the half life fandom ! But please know there's a diversity to this disorder and it isn't just being mute/deaf lite where the person can speak they just don't want to rather than a fear/anxiety response

TL;DR: Please stop making selective mutism mute/deaf lite and ignoring that it's an anxiety based disorder and selectively mute peeps can talk and even be talkative when they feel safe ;;

Btw I'm not like mad or anything about this and i don't want anyone to assume this is like an angry rant or anything it's just something I've noticed and been kinda sad sorta frustrated about ???

I know peeps aren't intending to do this tho is the main point but i just wanted to talk about it :^)

(Also i am not like a professional on this topic nor are my words like an end all be all situation this is just my thoughts and experiences alrighty)

#leo chirps #txt #leo.txt #leos vs the world #(thats my ''adding text onto reblog / talking to people'' tag)#(that i barely use lmao)#long post /#im also very uncertain that i used words correctly here but #brain shit is. very difficult.#oh god i have ttrpg in like 20 minutes AAAAAAAAAAA

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